TED LASSO QUOTES FOR EVERY NFL TEAM
"Ted Lasso" is a television show on Apple+ and it is hands down the best show on television. For 2 seasons it has brought appointment television back to it's finest. "Ted Lasso" broke a record for most Emmy nominations for a freshman comedy with 20 nominations-- it took home 7 wins.
I could break down the premise of the show and Season 1 and Season 2 (which just finished) but you can do that for yourself. You will have more fun watching the show than reading my opinion.
The greatest thing about "Ted Lasso" is the writing and the lines that the actors deliver.
The 2021 NFL season is just barely over a third of the way done and I took a line from Ted Lasso and gave it to each NFL team to one up their season so far.
"You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half. And when it comes to locker rooms, I like 'em just like my mother's bathing suits. I only wanna see 'em in one piece, you hear?"
Basically, Urban Meyer and his antics and macarena have split the locker room-- between himself and the players.
"Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn't it? If you're comfortable while you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong."
Anything with the Raiders is hard to do. Rooting for them, beating them, betting on them-- but it all feels just about right.
"You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It's a goldfish. Y'know why? It's got a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish."
The Lions have yet to win a football game this year--- but yet they keep showing up to play every week. And they keep trying to win every week, despite being the Lions.
"Here's an idea that's gonna help a little or hurt a whole lot. Who needs a drink?"
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
When they win it is such a great win. When they lose, you just can't help but ask, "How?"
"I feel like we fell out of a lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool full of cash and Sour Patch Kids."
If you need an explanation for this, you are not an NFL fan.
"Guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school, and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman, and it was painted on the wall there. It said, 'Be curious, not judgmental.' I like that."
Most of the key players, coaches, and predicted standings have been judgmental and harsh of the Cardinals-- yet here they are undefeated and maybe we should just be curious why they are just so good.
"Divorce is hard. It doesn't matter if you're the one leaving or if...you're the one who got left. It makes folks do crazy things."
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
We know this is supposed to be about THIS season but we would be crazy not to match up a divorce quote with the Patriots or Tom Brady. Tom Brady is not a team so the Pats for the win.
"Ice cream's the best. It's kinda like seeing Billy Joel live. Never disappoints."
GREEN BAY PACKERS
Just so gosh darn good. If Billy Joel sucked in Week 1, I guarantee you he would be awesome for the next 6 weeks..
"If God wanted games to end in a tie, She wouldn't have invented numbers, all right?"
Vikings have 5 games this season that the final results were within one score.
"There's two buttons I never like to hit, alright? And that's 'panic' and 'snooze.'"
Cleveland was a sexy pick to win the AFC North and MAYBE the AFC Championship. But here they are all beat up and they STILL have a shot at the AFC NORTH.
"I shouldn't bring an umbrella to a brainstorm."
Don't over thing the Ravens. They are a good team. A loss this past week to the Bengals does not count them out of ANYTHING.
On Roy's excessive swearing: "It's kinda like all the nipples in that movie Showgirls. Halfway through, you don't even notice. You just kinda get sucked into the narrative."
Somewhere during this season we have just accepted that the Cowboys were a good football team and we EXPECT win.
"Like I always say, sometimes the best stew is the one you leave sitting on the stove overnight 'cause you fell asleep watching Citizen Kane after too many beers."
When you start asking yourself, "Are the Colts good?"
“I always thought tea was going to taste like hot brown water. And do you know what? I was right.”
NEW YORK JETS
Thank you Jets for making NFL fans feel smart about predicting how bad you are?
“You could fill two internets with what I don’t know about football.”
Just lost as a franchise. No clue what direction they are going. They no there is a direction-- just don't know which way to go.
“I do love a locker room. It smells like potential.”
Do not sleep on the Falcons. They might get this season straight. Last year they lost 8 games by one score games.
“A palace made out of crystal seems mighty fragile to me.”
Russell Wilson goes down and their season seemed to go with him.
“It’s kind of like back in the 80s when ‘bad’ meant ‘good.’ ”
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
They seem bad but they are just hurt. Injured hurt. They can be good- any given Sunday.
On whether he believes in ghosts: "I do. But more importantly I think they need to believe in themselves."
Have a lot of talent, just have not put it together for 4 quarters yet.
"Sometimes the best way to stick it to the man is to go right between his legs."
The only thing I think of about the Titans is Dereck Henry and you have no choice but to take it wherever he wants to stick it.
Back home if a team was playing poorly we don’t call them unlucky. What do we call em coach? -Ted
New York Jets. -Coach Beard
There it is. – Ted
NEW YORK GIANTS
"There are two things you can’t ever let the other team know. Because mark my words, you’ll start having food deliveries and SWAT teams showing up 24-7, which is nuts, because back in my day all we had to worry about was crank phone calls. With the advent of caller ID, that simple joy got 86ed from the prank menu. Which is a darn shame cause the Jerky Boys were a national treasure. yall should give them a google sometime."
There game plan is simple-- Christian McCaffrey. Once one team figured that out, every team figured that out.
“Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson — on a high!”
LOS ANGELES RAMS
If you tell everyone that you are a quarterback away from winning the Super Bowl and you trade for a new quarterback-- then your only goal is winning it all.
“That’s the funny thing about coincidences, ain’t it? Sometimes they just happen.”
LOS ANGELES CHARGERS
Drafted a QB who was not so much considered elite AND they are winning with a first year head coach. And don't for that doctor who tried to kill Tyrod Taylor.
"As the man once said, the harder you work, the luckier you get."
They worked hard to put this team together and it is paying off. Team is legit.
"I think that you might be so sure that you're one in a million, that sometimes you forget that out there you're just one in 11."
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Sean Payton is so confident in himself he sometimes forgets there is 11 guys on offense and 11 guys on defense that are playing the game.
"Little tip for y'all. Fries are called chips. Chips are called crisps. And bangers aren't great songs, but they make you feel like dancing because they're so darn tasty."
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Before we knew it, the Bucs weren't the Tampa team we were used to losing year in and year out. Now they are just good and fun.
"Sam was more open than the jar of peanut butter on my counter."
It is just that they were so transparent about how awful they were going to be.
"If the internet has taught us anything, it's that sometimes it's easier to speak out minds anonymously."
Watch any press conference clip of Eagles Head Coach Nick Sirianni.
"If that's a joke, I love it. If not, I can't wait to unpack that with you later."
No clue what is going on in Pittsburgh-- when they want to tell us we should be all ears.
"Coach, I got a feeling we aren't in Kansas anymore."
Would like to add a joke about old people and Coach Vic here but it is just easier to type-- this team has no direction this year and is lost.
"You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don't want to hear it."
WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM
They have got a bunch of crap going on: nickname problems, 650,00o emails, odd timing of retiring numbers. Stop making problems and making it worse on yourself-- focus on football. You are in a winnable division and you don't care.
HERE IS "DON'T HASSLE US WE'RE LOCAL" TALKING ABOUT THIS PIECE ON MONDAY'S SHOW...
THANKS FOR READING. HOPEFULLY YOU ENJOY "TED LASSO" AS MUCH AS US.